”Give it back!” the young girl yelled bravely at the half-moon of ten year old boys that surrounded her. She lunged at one of them in an attempt to regain her doll.
Little did they know that soon that ragdoll would be all that remained of the entire city.
As the battle horn echoed for preparation in the city the boys threw up the ragdoll and scattered. The streets in the capital were soon filled with hurrying, panicking and frightened people. Soldiers bid quick farewells to their families and ran to their posts. Mothers ran to find and gather their children.
Amidst the chaos the little girl struggled to grab her precious ragdoll. It was the doll her father had made for her birth. It had been her lifelong companion and it was all she had left of papa. Even though she was eight years old she still loved carrying it around to remind herself of her father.
“Eleyna!” She recognized her mother’s worried voice.
“Don’t ever do that to me again!” Her mother slapped her half-heartedly and then hugged her tightly.
“What’s happening?” the young girl asked, still gripped tightly in her mother’s loving embrace.
“The city is being attacked. But don’t worry, everything will be fine,” her mother smiled weakly.
The young girl recognized her mother’s tone and instinctively knew that everything was not fine.
“Your brother is at the watchtower already, defending us and the city.”
When they were home her mother immediately began to prepare and discuss with the other women that lived in the longhouse.
Eleyna waited a few moments and then quietly escaped.
She had to help her brother. She would not lose him like she had lost papa.
Outside the noise from people screaming hit her ears. Chaos ruled ruthlessly.
As she ran through the city with her tiny legs she saw a house on fire. A mother was clinging to her son’s lifeless body. The sight was so shocking and she couldn’t fathom how this could have happened. The scenes became gradually worse as she approached the outer wall. People were running everywhere, clutching injured dear ones and trying to protect their homes. The smell of burnt wood and scorched flesh filled the air.
She remembered that her brother was stationed at the second wall.
Another volley of trebuchet boulders struck the city. The stone longhouse behind her was demolished into a pile of rubble with a loud crash. Terrified screams echoed down the streets.
A small stone struck her leg causing her to trip and heavily bruising her bare knees. She felt tears beginning to gather in her eyes from the pain. Soon they were streaming down her cheeks but she continued to run. She heard an even louder crash and knew that the first wall was down.
Hurriedly she climbed up the stairs of the watchtower. The stairs were huge and reached to her knees, but she pressed on, taking each step one by one. Her brother being in danger was the only thought on her mind. She never realized that she too was in great danger.
The orders of a general could be heard loudly and she knew she was near. She saw the shape of her brother. He was wearing the standard Tripoli armour, wielding the typical one-hand sword along with the square shield imprinted with the Tripoli sign, which was three silver, half moon, ring walls with a golden crown just above.
“Adrithon!” she yelled.
Her eyes drifted away and glanced over the wall. Fear gripped her heart. She could hardly believe her small eyes. The entire outer city between the first and second wall was completely destroyed. Flames raged everywhere. She could make out the shapes of the trebuchets on the grassland in front of the city. Hundreds of thousands of Naeglim surrounded them.
She instantly ran to warn her brother. She began to fear for her mother and their home.
Her brother was already fighting against the Naeglim that had climbed onto the second wall.
Eleyna bent and picked up a rock. As her brother blocked a strike from the short, brown skinned Naeglim she used all her strength to throw the rock. It hit the Naeglim’s arm and for a moment it turned its head and glared at the child which had distracted it. That moment was enough for her brother to plunge his sword into its stomach. The Naeglim let out a grunt and then fell to the ground clutching its entrails.
“Eleyna! What are you doing here?”
“I came to help you,” she said proudly, grasping the rock in one hand and her ragdoll in the other.
“Go back home to mum. Tell her that the second gate has been breached. Be careful!”
The little girl’s face was filled with disappointment and she felt ashamed for having disobeyed.
As she was about to climb down the stairs she gave her brother a final glance. Their eyes met and she felt happy as she felt her brother’s forgiving and loving eyes gaze into hers. In the midst of war and death a smile crept up on her face.
Suddenly she saw her brother fall to his knees. A scythed Naeglim sword stuck out of his stomach. A pool of red blood began to gather beneath him.
She screamed. Clutching the ragdoll in one hand she ran to him.
Looking into his eyes she realized that he was dead already. Around her the evil Naeglim creatures were fighting their soldiers. Death was everywhere.
She fled.
Houses burned. Screams echoed. Arrows flew.
She didn’t know what to do. Where could she go? She tried to run home but saw from afar that the house was already on fire. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her eyes became blurry. She ran deeper into the heart of the city where the towering mountain stood behind it defensively. The remembrance of the hideout they had played in as five year olds hit her. She struggled to make her way through the city and chaos, but she managed to find the tiny cave. The hole was extremely small but she was just able to slip through. The cave was dark, a bit cold and smelled enclosed. She made her way through it and climbed upwards to lookout the small hole from where she could almost see the whole city. What had once been the glorious capital of Tripoli was now a ruin in flames. There was nothing she could do. She was scared, cold and alone. It was over. Her brother was dead, and so was her mother most likely. She stared out over the city and the field outside where the enemy still stood in hordes. Her eyes glued to the scene as her mind continued to deny everything that was happening. A deep sigh filled with emotions erupted while the tears continued to stream down her cheeks. She shrank down against the cold, cave wall and blackened out.
Copyright © Danai Gabre, 2008-11-01
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7 comments:
FIRST COMMENT!! haha...couldn't resist. anyways..
the story was awesome. You could totally insert this as a chapter in the first book..
ok, so you said to comment..you DID ask for it.
I think you sometimes tend to over-emphasize or repeat stuff. Like in the first sentence, you say 'half-moon circle.' I think you could just leave it at half-moon. (by the way, I like that way of saying it. Very descriptive.)
And then later, as Eleyna is looking for her brother, you mention a couple times that she doesn't think about her own safety. I think that it's already pretty obvious from her actions that she isn't thinking about herself. To me, it actually makes the whole idea weaker, because you [the author] don't sound completely sure, like you need to double-check that you made your point. Indirect characterization is a lot more powerful than direct characterization. I think you definitely SHOWED Eleyna's unselfishness, so you don't need to TELL us.
I guess another example of that would be in the beginning, where you say that Eleyna shouts 'bravely.' I think you could just take out that word, because we can already see that she is being brave by standing up for herself.
Oh, and the part where Eleyna asks her mother what is happening, and her mother explains.. I don't think that's quite realistic. Do you honestly think a mother would tell her little child that the king had died and now a horde of demons was coming to attack, but everything is going to be fine? it just seems to me that a mother, wanting to protect her child, would try to change the subject or really gloss over the facts. Maybe she would just say something like 'the city is being attacked, but everything will be fine.'
haha...I don't know. =P
overall, though, I really liked the story. It gave the whole story of the battle a more personal feel.
Thanks a lot for your comments =)
Have edited the text a bit now, and will put it up soon again, just using the advice you gave =D
Will try to get a new story written this coming week also. but will see. I have one in mind lol. Don't know if I should continue with Eleyna first though or do another different story first. I have quite a few stories planned and don't know which to write first.. :S
Great story, could you add some images to add interest though? you've got a potential for blogging success here. While your blog is still new, learn how to make money from blogging. I hope you succeed in the blogging business! If you do, please don't forget to remember me. :)
hey delving! its JaYbOc... :)
is this another short story like the one you showed me ages ago? sounds like it.
pretty sweet story. Some of the sentences sound a bit too crammed full information, without breaks.. it just makes it feel a little rushed. I don't know. Maybe its part of the action.
Illustrations would be epic!!! I know of some really good artists on some WoT art sites that i'll have a look at if you want. Again, mad story.
Thanks JaYboC!!
That would awesome of you if you could ask some of them if anyone would be interested in drawing something for it or maybe you could give me an email to contact or something.
and yeah it sort of the same kind. it's a different story from the same world. I'm still working on the novel/series. This is just an outside story of it but it has relevance in the series.
hey, awesome story! we'd love to have you contribute writing to our site: www.minor-movements.blogspot.com
we're trying to create a community where youth can share their work and ideas and find out what other people our age are working on, as well as discuss issues that are relevant.
check it out, let us know what you think.
-Marissa, Nicolette, & Marissa
That was a great story, still need to read a few of the other ones.
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